Red and white flags for a couple relationship


Behaviors that are problematic for a future healthy relationship (red flags):


1. The period of falling in love lasts from about 6 months to 1.5 years. After this period, the relationship between two partners naturally also needs another form of emotional support, based on emotional support, constant and active mutual interest in each other’s person and daily life needs.


2. Building romantic relationships with a need for stability or permanence starts after the age of 22 and lasts, on average, until the age of 30-35, depending on one’s life and experiences. This period is also referred to as the searching period, when, in trying to build basic relationships other than with family of origin, people are naturally challenged to learn about the self and what it takes to build a relationship.


3. We move in and out of relationships, break up and make up to find out what suits us so that we can strive as much as possible towards the balanced life we want. In the period of searching, it is natural for everyone to discover that they have things to work out in their own selves, patterns of communication, expression and living. Encounters with others, every relationship, need not be perfect without the need for refinement or change. This period is one of transition in one’s life cycle, and what differs from person to person is only the size and scope of the patterns.


4. The more one avoids the need for new adjustments (by which I mean that people often avoid the emotional confrontation of their own feelings with themselves, but also the encounter of them in interaction with their partner), the more they will erupt later in life in an acute form.


5. It is healthy to “meet ourselves” as soon as possible after leaving the parental nest. Some will avoid their own reality through silence in the name of peace and emotional closeness, others through conflict. We each want to be understood and accepted.


6. The existence of unresolved situations in time will bring crises of all kinds, immediately after marriage or when the first child appears. These markers will create conflict at a new, higher intensity that will overlap with latent, repressed or well-hidden states. For example, the much talked about mid-life crisis.


7. If at least one partner in the relationship is unwilling to change or actively collaborate then the relationship will be constantly unstable. Either distance will be felt or there will be conflict.


8. Competition and power. Constantly pointing out shortcomings, dissatisfactions and dissatisfactions through criticism as well as quantifying them (how much have I done and how little have you done) keeps things out of balance, erodes self-confidence and confidence in the future of the relationship.


9. The partner (more culturally specific in men than women) who wants to be in power does not offer praise, ask for feedback or share opinions about themselves.


10. At least one partner does not prioritize time together.


Behaviors that recommend a healthy relationship (white flags)


1. Partner(s) have shared values about life, how to approach a difficult discussion, how to raise children, how they want to be a wife/husband, how to share household chores, and shared preferences.


2. Partners are open to change. It’s not so important what problems each has, but how willing they are to do something about the problems and make a change for the benefit of the couple. This will help each other and the relationship.


3. Partners seek together to make time for themselves and the relationship.


4. Partners are constructively curious about each other.


5. Partners are respectful not only morally, but also with each other’s moods and emotions.


6. Partners offer empathy and are able to alternate support for each other in difficult situations.


7. In couples, certain emotional-behavioural skills are (re)acquired with the help of each other’s availability.


8. Partners show an interest (balance marker) in making efforts for themselves and the relationship, just as they do at work, in a team.


9. Partners do not see differences between them only as disadvantages.


10. Partners understand that there are some things they cannot change and accept differences, as adults, even if they don’t totally agree with them.